RiverBender Blog: I Went Shopping

You have to understand, I never go shopping. Not on a whim and not for myself. I rarely spend money on clothes. But a few weeks ago, I grabbed my credit card and said, “C’est la vie. Off we go to TJ Maxx.”

I was preparing for a trip, so while I really didn’t have the extra moolah to spend, I also convinced myself that I needed a few outfits for the occasion. “Convinced myself” is a bit of a stretch; it was very easy to “convince myself.” After all, I rarely shop, but I get a real kick out of it when I do.

And so I headed to the store, by myself, a solo shopping trip after work. All of this was so rare, but that’s what made it fun. I’m always running errands; I’m rarely shopping for clothes. It’s hard to justify spending the money, but again, I bargained that I wanted to look cute on my trip. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I wanted to have clothes that fit the vibe.

My lack of shopping experience quickly shone through. I walked into the store and was immediately overwhelmed. I beelined to a rack, deciding to focus in on the first few items I saw, before I realized they were all size 00. Not quite right. Blushing, I moved onto the next aisle.

There were quite a few cute items, most of which weren’t too pricey, all of which, I argued, screamed “vacation” and therefore were must-haves. By myself, with no one there to ask, I was unrestricted by others’ opinions.

And so I chose the ugliest items I could find. Yes, I admit they were ugly. But as I held them up in the fluorescent lights and tried to picture myself on a beach in these outfits, I reasoned that, hey, maybe there was actually something kind of chic about it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I texted my partner. “I’m going to try on some clothes and send you the pictures and you’re going to find them all ugly, but I need you to be supportive,” I typed. And that was the energy I took into the dressing room.

If you haven’t been to a dressing room in a while, I do not recommend it. There are fluorescent lights that make you look terribly pale and dimply. There are three-panel mirrors. Who the @%$& needs a three-panel mirror? It’s truly humbling to stand there under fluorescent lights, looking at yourself in a three-panel mirror.

But no matter! I was there in the name of my fun and young beach trip! I could do this!

I pulled on the first outfit and was immediately horrified. I had told myself that this ugly lacy shirt was actually cute in a beachy, bohemian sense. No, it was not. That was a lie. I yanked it off.

I shimmied on a tube top. Generally speaking, I am not a tube top wearer. But again — beach trip, new leaf, etc. I was trying to dress like the person I wanted to be, not the person I am. And lowkey, the tube top was a moment. It was giving beach. It was giving Europe. I threw it onto the “yes” pile.

My next try was two dresses, one of which was too tight and the other that was too loose. I squeezed myself into the first dress and stared in the stupid three-panel mirror.

It fit, barely. I could probably go up a size. But, I told myself, maybe this cute dress would motivate me. Maybe this would inspire me to get in shape. Plus, I was too lazy to leave the dressing room and find a different size. Onto the “yes” pile it went.

And so this continued for several outfits until I finally narrowed down my picks.

The real test, however, was going up to the register to pay. I chatted with the cashier, joking that I would get in trouble if I worked there for trying on all the clothes, all the while eyeing the little keypad waiting to see my total.

The total came out. It wasn’t horrible. It was also way more than I generally allow myself to spend on myself, especially on new clothes, especially when I have bigger things I’m saving up for.

I held my breath and swiped my credit card.

And now I have cute new outfits to wear! I took my trip and enjoyed every minute, but the real win is the photos and the fits.

(And, just for the record, I can joke for days about that three-panel mirror and the too-tight dress and all of that stuff. But I can tell you firsthand, when you’re on a beach in Europe, if you’re actually worried about the way your body looks, then you’re missing the point. Plus, clothes are supposed to fit you, not the other way around. So while I can keep up my teasing, I promise, I was feeling pretty damn good in that tube top and the dress and the other outfits as I smiled for the camera. That’s the real win.)

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